To the father I never met

The message punch through my ears
And as usual it is like a sweat shudder
Ripping cold open my chest.

“Got nowhere with that lead.”

Again, it is all I can do,
Examine what heartbreak looks like.
Let me explain,
This search for you.
It is like reading braille with my eyelashes
To find a secret I must blow against the ear
Of a deaf woman. A secret she needs most.

It is as Rumi said:
You are granite
I am an empty wine glass.

The wind knows it
And the earth feels it.
The side walk pushes against my feet
With indifference.
She has no idea that I am heavy
Full to bursting, only almost,
Because bursting is another burden.

Today the universe is trapped inside me.
It feels like I have too much blood
Or too little time.
I want to sneeze and turn the world inside out
Just so I can catch a glimpse of you,
In the shuffle.

“Got nowhere with that lead.”

Can you unfurl time
Like rewinding a cassette?
Walk backwards in steps forward?
U-n-s-t-r-i-n-g notes to find the thought
Of the melody.

If I could breed violence
I would rattle this book
And let the words fall like chiclets
On the concrete. Piece by piece
I would fix the puzzle to you. Of you.

Today, the signs of each particular
Gradient of despair read like smoke signals
As they flash across my face-
They register like little dots
On the radar of my heart.

I feel each one.

I tell you, man. It is not quiet in me
Only well contained.
This undefined love is a tasty delicacy
Needing to be sampled,
Before it is too late.

30 thoughts on “To the father I never met

  1. there are so many great lines in this…impossible to choose my favorite. i think i’ll just read it a few more times just to be sure. 💜

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  2. Sad, sweet, profound… SO much emotion here. I wonder if this is what my boys feel and what my little girl will feel? It breaks my heart to know I cannot shield them from this pain, and that no one can shield you from yours. So sorry… Life can be so cruel. (hugs) 🌷

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    1. It is a hard thing to not have known or met a person that has something to do with your creation. I don’t care how much you try to fight the thought, or push it away. It is always there in your head, constantly, I said fuck it, fuck him for years, but sometime ago I just came to the realization that I can’t fight it anymore, so with my mom help, I started searching, but nothing. I don’t know what I would say, but it won’t be bad, I am not bitter anymore. Maybe hey man, lets go get a drink.

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      1. My eldest wants to find his dad but I’m not sure he’s actively searching yet. They’re 18 and 20 and spent a long time being angry but I’m starting to see a softer side to him. The middle one shows no emotion. My little girl is the one I’m most worried about, I’m worried she’ll try finding love on all the wrong places as she tries to seek the love of her dad. She’s only 4.

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      2. It is just a lot of wasted energy to be angry. but it is something they had to go through I believe. I see what you are saying with your girl, you may have to start talking with her at a every young age about it all. I am no parent so my advice maybe off.

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      3. You’re right. I debated whether I should start telling her little things but I don’t want to lie then have her resent me. So whenever she asks I answer her truthfully.
        I also have 3 male figures and in her life whom she can count on as safe and caring and of course she has her brothers but they are off doing their own thing. I just have to remind them to visit often at least for her sake 😀

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      4. I would say just wait until curiosity gets the better of her and she starts asking. Then be totally honest with her. When I was younger and I asked about why don’t I have a dad like the other boys, my mom just said, because you don’t, now deal. She was still bitter at the time, so I don’t take it to heart. When I was ready, at least when she thought I was ready. She sat me down and we talked.

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      5. I am still very bitter and it hurts but I tell her the good things too. She looks like him so it’s hard to not look at her and see him. She is the good that came from our marriage and I can’t imagine my life without her. Just as you are the good that came from your mom and dad. Even if there is underlying sadness there’s still beauty amid the chaos.

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  3. Sometimes not knowing a parent is a good thing. For the first eight years of my son’s life it was jus the two of us. When he was eight we moved to the community that his father lived in to take over a business I had purchased. He was thrilled to finally meet his father but that didn’t last long. Not a day goes by that he doesn’t wish the man dead. He calls him the sperm donor not dad or by his name. I imagine that had my son been older and more mature it might have been different.

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      1. You should. I think if my son had not been so young his expectations would have been different. He was to young to understand that I left him for a reason. He was a kid excited to have a dad like his friends.

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  4. This is beautiful. I totally get this. My father died when I was in high school and even though I knew who he was, he was lost to drugs my whole life so I never had any contact. When he died, all those dreams of someday having a relationship with him died too. I wish you the best in your journey to find your father. It’s hard. *hugs*

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